Monday, March 5, 2007

Teddy Bare

I have always distrusted teddy bears. They are suspicious little creatures – always happy, unsleeping yet apparently lifeless replicas of some of nature’s most ferocious beasts. Rascals, I tell you.
Let’s just say that tonight my suspicions were confirmed:
From time to time a great diversion in our junior high youth meetings has been to take some of our ‘regular’ games and use stuffed animals to replace wherever we normally would use a ball or other prop (Frisbee, pillow, etc.). Tonight we decided to play steal the bacon and substituted teddy bears. As you can imagine, the toy animals get thrashed in the process. As the game went on our first ‘bear’ began to lose its composure. Bits of the bear began falling all over the gymnasium as the kids wrestled the toy over to their respective side of the gym.
Then it happened
A purple thong landed unceremoniously (although I am not quite sure what the proper ceremony would be for said undergarment) on the floor of the gym – just above the home team three point line (top of the key).
At first my wondered which pesky grade 8 boy was responsible for pulling a stunt like this. In the cotton bating mêlée I was completely at a loss to know which of the 8-10 rascals I should blame for.
The loud moth kid yells out – “Who lost their gonch man?”
Then the revelation from one of my keen eyed staff-“No, man that came straight out of the bear!”
So I picked up the bear in question and frisked it from the inside out. By now the throng had gathered to watch. Even though I have ranked the stuffed animals in the same degenerative category as cats, it still felt wrong to pull the guts out of the thing. Low and behold another even more scant pair (and I really am baffled as to why they call those blasted things a pair) appeared out of the creatures right leg.
The creep out effect slowly dawned on everyone as we all realized somewhat at once that the underwear was well used.
I guess that’s why the “DO NOT REMOVE” tag on the stuffed toy said wash on delicate.
Minimalist underwear physically present in a group of early pubescent teens is a recipe for all sorts of nasty, awkward, and dumb.

7 comments:

Israelson's said...

- what the heck????? -
That is the most shockingly bizarre and rank thing I may have ever heard! Innocent kids have played with that disgusting little bear!! - ug, i can hardly think about it. nasty. just nasty.

Freezer said...

brings a whole new meaning to the term "teddy"

Natasha said...

Thanks for bringing some laughter into my day - be it shocked laughter, but giggles none the less. I don't even want to know the story of how those got in there - where in the world did you get that bear?!?!

Paul Morgun said...

That is maybe one of the funniest and craziest stories i have ever heard, a bear stuffed with thongs, awesome...well maybe awesome is not the word...wow...was it a parent who fixed the bear? or was it bought like this...amazing!

Incoming... said...

yeah so i got the 'bear' from our local MCC thrift store - it still had one of those manufacturers tags on it.

Incoming... said...

Pat i thought about a few other silly tag lines for this story:
--(capital one spoof) What's in your teddy?
--'stuffed' underwear!
--question: is there a return policy?

Freezer said...

Have you ever thought of submitting this as a story to Marketplace or some consumer interest place?