Just finished an hour or so of tears. After I got home from youth tonight, I talked to the boys about the sense that Char and I had that God was asking us to step out in faith and to risk more than we are comfortable with. Of course the two oldest boys (who were the only one’s up at the time) struggled with it cause they assumed that it meant we were thinking of leaving Coaldale. My leaving the church was not their choice and so I bear a lot of guilt about the decision because when I look through their eyes it seems pretty selfish of me (why couldn’t I just hang on a bit longer etc., etc.,). Anyways when I went to ‘tuck them in’ I could tell they were still struggling with it. I talked and cried with each of them individually and tried to reassure them that Char and I love them and that we don’t want to hurt them. It’s hard for them to think about leaving Coaldale when this is all they have ever known. It’s hard for me to ask them to take this step of faith when its not one they have chosen for themselves. We continue to be very committed to making decisions about our future together as a family but eventually the buck stops at me and Char. I am still pursuing a number of local options that I am excited about but even those options seems to require a lot of faith and risk and hope. It would be so much different if all I was risking in these decisions was my own skin but now I realize the broader implications of my own personal decisions.
What makes me cry is that I see in my boys the same emotional struggles that I faced as a kid with the frequency of moves that my family made in my early childhood. I don’t regret those struggles at all cause I think they made me a stronger person. I think that my parents struggled to watch their children walk through these changes. But as a parent I am finding it so counter intuitive to ask my children to walk into personal difficulty. Especially, because I sense so much of these decisions revolve around me.
I am convinced that the decision to resign was the right one but there is very little about the consequences of that decision that is easy or smooth. Tomorrow I meet with some people in leadership to discuss the rationale for my resignation. I pray that goes well.
1 comment:
I hear you! How many times we wished for a road with less challenges, especially for our kids' sake. The only thing that made it bearable was the sense that it wasn't ultimately about what was desirable for us as parents, but what God was asking us to do and the promise that He would not leave us nor forsake us (and that included our children). Leaving a place of security and safety for an unknown place, is always difficult in my opinion, but we have learned things about the faithfulness of God that we would never have learned had we not stepped out in faith and obedience. Our prayers are with you and your boys as you take each step in faith, believing that God will provide for ALL that you need.
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